Why Some Marriages Thrive and Others Struggle

I have been meditating on a few verses in the Bible about resilience and thriving in hard circumstances. It made me think of why some marriages thrive and others continue to struggle. Let's face it, life can be hard on any marriage. There are bills to pay, kids to raise, pressures to navigate with jobs and relatives that drain any reserve of love and joy a couple has. The marriages that thrive have found the "secret sauce" of learning to go deeper than the pressures that surround them. Stress and pressure will come and go, but what is going on under the surface of that marriage is what will keep it strong. Jeremiah 17:7-8 gives the imagery of a tree planted along the riverbank. The roots reach deep into the water. Even when there are long months of drought, even when the tree is exposed to "extreme heat" it is not worried or bothered and continues to stay green.

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord

and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.

They are like trees planted along a riverbank,

with roots that reach deep into the water.

Such trees are not bothered by the heat

or worried by long months of drought.

Their leaves stay green,

and they never stop producing fruit.

In his book Resilient, John Eldredge, he writes, "You need to make plans to replenish your reserves. The math is simple. Reserves are replenished when there’s more coming in than there is going out."

The couples that have a marriage they love, have a marriage that thrives, have learned to replenish their reserves. They take time to rest, to connect with God, to have fun, laugh together even when all around them is chaotic. Their roots individually and as a couple reach deep into the water, so deep that the draining circumstances pressing against their marriage do not touch the deep connection they have with God and each other. The couples who thrive protect their marriage by going deep. The result is their "leaves stay green" - their love stays tender, their relationship meaningful, their friendship fun.

Dave and I have been married for 38 years. We have been practicing this habit of making sure our "roots go deep" because we love each other and want our marriage to thrive and not wilt under the weight of all the pressures. We daily connect with each other, weekly take a fun date, get away several times a year to rest, and go deep in God daily, WHO is the greatest source of resilience for any marriage.

God is the fuel the human soul runs on. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. C. S. Lewis

The Root Determines the Fruit

Have you ever read a book on how to communicate better with your spouse and you continue to fail miserably? Have you ever tried to hold your tongue and you end up saying something you regret? Maybe you have read all the marriage books, gone to a few marriage retreats, and you still you seem to be getting nowhere. I know how frustrating it can be to do what the best marriage experts tell you to do, and yet your marriage is not improving. Amy and I have always encouraged couples to never stop investing in their marriages. In our 38 years of marriage, we have read the best marriage books, attended dozens of marriage seminars, and been mentored by some incredible couples. We highly encourage all the above and continue to invest in our marriage in these ways.

But we have also come to realize that to have the marriage we love, we have to regularly examine what is going on in our heart because the root determines the fruit. We can memorize "5 Top Ways to Communicate With Your Spouse," but if we are harboring resentment in our heart or un-forgiveness, that root of un-forgiveness will ultimately determine the fruit of our communication with our spouse, not the article we read or the counsel we received. The condition of our heart is what we need to tending too regularly to make sure there are no weeds of bitterness, resentment, or hardness from being wounded. Choose to forgive, keep short accounts, release any bitterness, receive healing for damaged emotions through counseling and prayer so the wise, time tested marriage advice you hear and read about takes root in a healthy heart and soul and bears good fruit.

Parenting Books We Love

Raising kids in the 21st Century is not for the faint of heart. As parents, we need all the wisdom we can get and lots of prayer! Amy and I were like sponges when it came to marriage advice and parenting advice. We found marriages and families we admired; couples still in love after decades, and families who were close, and we asked lots of questions. How did you get a marriage like that? A family that loves to be together? Kids who love God and the church? Once we caught the vision we were intentional about creating the marriage and family we wanted. Also, we referred to several books that have been great sources of wisdom as we raised our kids. Below are our favorites:

1. Shepherding a Child's Heart by Paul David Tripp

A real treasure that helps you develop a Godward orientation in the heart of your

child. We didn't want religious kids, we wanted kids who loved God, the Word, and

had a heart of obedience.

2. Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family by Paul

David Tripp

Paul David Tripp gives a big picture of parenting and the importance of the gospel

in changing the heart of your child and growing character. "When the gospel takes

root it does what no parenting can do."

3. My First, Second & Third Attempts at Parenting by Steve Murrell

With humor and wisdom, Pastor Steve Murrell, Every Nation Ministries, gives

wise advice on cultivating your child's heart and how to deal with our own heart

as parents.

4. Mama Bear Apologetics: Empowering Your Kids to Challenge Cultural Lies

Hillary Morgan Ferrer

An encouraging book for every parent who is overwhelmed by all the cultural

lies their kids are hearing about. Read this book before your kids are teens. This

book will help you have the confidence to teach your kids to form their own

biblical beliefs about what is true and false.

5. Talking to you kids about Jesus; 30 Conversations that Every Parent Must Have

by Natasha Crain

We all want kids who know and love God but how does that happen. Many parents

don't know how to talk to their kids about God.

The author gives you guidance on how to talk to your children about the existence

of God, science and God, the nature of God, believing in God, and the difference

God can make in their lives.