Loving Well

We all want to be loved. Being loved is critical to our wellbeing and overall health. In his classic book, Overcoming Rejection, Frank Hammond writes, Each of us requires love. love is necessary for the development of a healthy "self life." Love is to us what sunshine and water are to a growing flower." The first time I read this, I thought about my planting and gardening skills. I have to admit that I don't know how to garden well. My husband is convinced that plants tremble when I walk by them. Humor aside, we call agree that we need to be loved and learn to love others well. But the reality is loving others can be challenging at times, especially when people are hard to love.

Also, loving others well can be hard because maybe we didn’t have a good example or experience growing up and have difficulty giving and receiving love. So how do we learn to love well? The talk shows and movies tell us to love ourselves and then we will love others well. But is that really the answer? But after 37 years of marriage, and studying the Bible, I have found that the secret to loving well isn’t learning to love yourself first; it’s learning to love God and be loved by God first. When it comes to loving others, it all starts with the One who is love. Jesus told His disciples, “This is my commandment, that you love one another, as I have loved you” John 13:34–35 The key to loving well is being loved by God.

Over the next few weeks, we will look at how Jesus loved us, and how we can learn to love others well.

A Few Things We've Learned After 37 Years of Marriage

1. Never underestimate the power of praying together everyday. It makes you love your spouse even more, and heals and restores as you join hands and pray for each other.

2. Look for couples who inspire you to have a great marriage. Take them out for dinner and ask them what they do to keep their marriage strong and loving.

3. Take regular date nights and laugh together. Keep finances, job issues, and problems with the kids out of the conversation. Don't allow your marriage to become a business relationship. Have fun!

4. Just because you are married doesn't mean you have to stop being friends.

5. Keep the kids and the t.v out of your bedroom.

6. We take an overnight every few months. It refreshes our marriage and revitalizes our weary souls.

7. Plan a time each week to talk about finances. Ignoring money will not cause it to go away. Take a course on money management and get on the same page.

8. Learn to listen to your spouse. (We will talk about this in a future blog) Don't shut them down or shut them out. Listen to what they have to say.

9. Hold hands and be affectionate in front of the kids. They need to see mom and dad in love.

10. Never be alone with the opposite sex. Trust is critical to keeping a marriage close and healthy.

11. Always speak well of your spouse in front of others even if an argument is brewing at home.

12. Celebrate your spouse's strengths; don't focus on their weaknesses.

13. Make a study of your spouse - their hopes and dreams, and support them.

14. Hold your tongue - don't speak while angry and say something you regret.

15. The more you love Jesus, the more you will love your spouse.

"Atomic Habits For Your Marriage"

James Clear, Author of the #1 NY Times bestseller, Atomic Habits – Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results, talks about how making tiny adjustments over time can net you huge dividends. He defines atomic habits as: a regular practice or routine that is not only small and easy to do, but also the source of incredible power; a component of the system of compound growth. Clear writes, ““Success is the product of daily habits—not once-in-a-lifetime transformations.”

When it comes to relationships and marriage, people often want the cure all, “one thing” formula that will transform their marriage into what they’ve always dreamed of. Few couples think about and focus on simply improving in several areas on a daily basis – things like good communication, talking through differences, sharing withholds, regular date nights, deepening romance, or improving sex. Interestingly, it is the few couples who do focus on “atomic habits” within specific aspects of their marriage who do experience the greatest level of fulfillment. Best Life magazine explained the power of daily habits within marriage that build the healthiest relationships. https://bestlifeonline.com/healthy-marriage-habits/

Here are a few things Amy and I do on a daily basis to grow our marriage and make it better each day:

1. We pray together.

I can't think of a more effective, transforming habit to improve a marriage than daily prayer. Amy and I will take a few minutes each day to pray over our marriage or what is ahead that day. Our habit is to pray while we walk in the morning, or while we’re still in bed before we leave the bedroom and start our day. Start with just a minute a day.

2. We exercise (usually not together, but on our own)

This could be anywhere from 15 -60 minutes.

3. We talk about the day ahead early in the morning.

We ask each other what we have planned, who we’re meeting with, what work we have to do.

4. Kiss each other in the morning and before we leave the house.

I know this might seem trite or over obvious, but small signs of affection over time hold a lot of weight.

5. We call each other 1-2 times throughout the day.

Just to say hello or ask how the day is going. We ask each other if need we anything,

6. We share one salient thought from scripture.

It could have been an interesting passage, a new take on a verse, something that God stressed in the our personal Bible reading, etc.

7. We eat dinner together.

This is the time to review the day, have quality family time, and bond.

8. We read at night and share what we’re reading

We don’t have a television or computer in our bedroom. We read books or Kindle and then talk about what we read that impacted us.

9. We watch a fun video about cooking or decorating or travel or a comedy for a few minutes and laugh together. Laughter is a powerful habit and breathes life into a relationship. It can't be all serious.

10. We tell each other "I love you" at least five times a day.

I can’t stress how important this is. Of course our mate knows this, but to say it and look at them, and maybe touch them gently while saying this is so reaffirming to our mate’s heart and soul.

Amy and I have built these habits into our marriage over decades. Start with just one or two. Make it a habit to pray for a minute a day and say I love you, I'm thinking about you. Then slowly add more habits over time. Instead of trying to fix your marriage or overhaul it overnight, seek to make small changes on a daily basis over a long period of time. The results will be remarkable!