Robert Louis Stevenson wrote, "Marriage is one long conversation chequered by disputes." Marriage experts and researches now conclude that what helps make a marriage strong and durable is HOW a couple fights - not IF they fight. Anyone who's been in a marriage relationship for over a week knows that every couple will fight. Only a very naive, idealistic couple believes they can live together without conflict or disagreement. But the best research indicates that if a couple fights well, it can actually strengthen and grow their marriage.
Dr. John Gottman did research on how couples handle conflict and found with over 90% accuracy which marriages will last and which ones will fall apart. The secret? How they handled conflict. He noted negative factors in communication that he labelled "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". They are: 1. Criticism 2. Contempt 3. Defensiveness and 4. Stonewalling (85% of stonewallers are men). But what are the positive factors that can counteract and strengthen the marriage? 1. Shared humor 2. Affection (fondness and admiration) and 3. Empathy.
In healthy marriages the ratio of positive to negative communication is 5:1. In unhealthy marriages the ratio is 0.8 to 1. What does this tell us? That when we're experiencing marital conflict, if we can focus on what we love about our spouse, what brought us together, what we appreciate about them, not taking ourselves too seriously and being empathetic of our spouse's heart & soul - we will actually grow in love. If we focus on the negative, over time the relationship will break down and/or break apart. The other finding is that this ratio of positive to negative has to be high - for every one criticism or action of contempt or defensive statement, there needs to be five positive shares communicated. Wow! It only takes a moment to tear something down, but it takes more time, love and tenderness to build something up and grow it.
Solomon, one of the wisest people on the planet, said:
A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.
And
The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
So couples, feel free to fight - share your disagreements with each other. But make sure you keep the positive to negative factor ratio high! Also, between disputes, make sure to pour on the positive - shower your spouse with plenty of love, affirmation, kindness and laughter!
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