There is an old joke about marriage that goes like this: "Marriage is about becoming one. The question is, which one?" We come into the marriage with the idea that we have to be compatible, which in our mind means we have to be the same. So we try to change our spouse to act like we do, or communicate the way we do. Many times we fight in our marriages because we want our spouse to be just like we are. I wish my husband would be more open and vulnerable. I wish my wife would not be so emotional. But God made us different, with different strengths to complement each other. Instead of trying to change our spouse, what if we accepted them, seek to understand them, and celebrate the way God made them?
Dave and I could "write the book" on how to stay happily married even though we are so different from each other. Dave is an achiever; I am very relational. Dave has great faith and loves to take risks; I love to play it safe. Early in our marriage, he wanted me to achieve more and take risks. I wanted him to be more attentive and empathic. But we've learned to value the way God made us, and instead of criticizing each other, we now celebrate our differences. The surest way to see positive change in your marriage is seek to understand each other and cheer each other on. Dave values my strength of "others aware" and has even become more relational because of me. I value his strength to achieve and take risks, and it has inspired me to achieve things I never thought possible. We complement each other.
Jimmy Evans, in his book Strengths Based Marriage, writes, One of the biggest obstacles to a vibrant, resilient marriage is a lack of understanding of yourself and your spouse...it changes everything about the way you relate when you realize your spouse is not trying to hurt you. Your spouse literally just doesn't have the tools to see what you see, and he or she will likely never be as good at it as you are.
This is so true. We are trying to change our spouse to be like us instead of appreciating them and loving who they are. Have your ever discovered the strengths your spouse brings into the marriage? Most likely it's not the same as yours. Finding this out is the key to a durable and beautiful marriage.
Truth to Ponder: A person may think their own ways are right, but the Lord weighs the heart. Proverbs 21:2
Discuss Together:
Share with your spouse: Your primary strengths are: ____________________________
If you and your spouse are very different, how can you complement each other and inspire each other?
Try This: Take the Strengths Finder Test 2.0 to find out your individual strengths so you can better understand each other. Then celebrate your differences and learn how to cheer each other on.
https://www.amazon.com/StrengthsFinder-2-0-Tom-Rath/dp/159562015X
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