Listening well is an art that can allow you to reap huge rewards. Amy is wonderful at so many things from parenting to teaching to writing to caring for people. But she's not good at knowing when somethings wrong with our car or one of our appliances. We all know about the dummy warning light on cars - but that doesn't tell us everything's OK. There's times when I'll drive her car with her and I'll hear something strange "Honey, do you hear that grinding sound?" No (How could she not hear that!) or "Honey, do you hear that strange whirring sound in the dishwasher? She usually doesn't hear it because she's not focused on it - but because it's my job to maintain our cars and appliances, I'll hear it right away.
Our marriage can be a lot like this - one of us is listening intently and the other one isn't. It can create real friction when things are like this. Both have to be listening well.
I once heard a story of a couple who had been married for years but the husband was concerned his wife was losing her hearing. So he thought up a test to find out how diminished her hearing was. While she was in the kitchen cooking dinner, he stood in the living room about 40 feet away. "Let's see what happens when I talk to her."
"Honey, what's for dinner?" He calls. No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. He speaks louder. "HONEY, what's for dinner?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. He shouts "HONEY, what's for DINNER??" No response.
So he walks right up behind her and screams: "HONEY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER??!?!"
His wife turns to him and yells, "CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!"
Many times we think we're hearing our spouse, and we really aren't! So to listen effectively we have to check a few items off the list:
1) Am I focusing on what they're saying right now?
2) Am I thinking about what how I'm going to respond or am I thinking about how to better understanding what they're saying?
3) Could I put myself in their "shoes" and demonstrate empathy, or am I too preoccupied with my own world to empathize with theirs?
Truth to Ponder: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Question to Ask: What might be hindering me from really hearing what my spouse is trying to tell me? (Too busy, focused on something else, impatient, not that interested, etc.)
Practice this Week: Have a five minute conversation with your spouse where you ask about something that's important to them at the moment and then focus on what they're saying. Ask questions to clarify content. Don't react or be defensive. Smile as you listen!
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