When we got married in our early twenties, Amy and I never imagined how wonderful marriage would be, and... how much effort it would take. Marriage is beautiful and exhausting at times. We realized early on that for our marriage to thrive and survive, we had to go into it with our eyes wide open. We had to be realistic about what we were bringing into the marriage - the good and not so good. We each brought strengths and weaknesses, personality quirks, hurts from our past, immaturity and baggage from our life experiences up to that point. If we had the mentality that ours would be the one perfect marriage we were setting ourselves up for disappointment and disillusionment.
Years ago, we were coaching a newly engaged couple on how to fight fair and handle disagreements. As we shared from our own life, we were met with far off stares. They stopped us mid-sentence and said, "That's nice, but we have never had a disagreement and don't plan on having one." They were going into marriage with the naive assumption that their marriage would be the exception. We graciously let them know that they needed to face the reality that marriage brings with it many blessings, but it would also require a lot of effort, and then there would still be friction! They will experience rough patches, but if they worked together and were willing to change, it was going to be worth it.
For every engaged couple, we recommend a pre-marital counseling class because it helps you enter into marriage with your eyes wide open. It helps you see the proverbial "baggage" every couple brings into the marriage. It helps you see if there are any red flags that you need to address before the wedding day and, if necessary, get valuable counseling. We recommend Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts and the SYMBIS Assessment. If you are already married, having your eyes wide open means having a realistic assessment of where you are right now, and what you are bringing to the marriage - the good, bad and ugly. It means being willing to get counseling to help overcome personal and marital issues. Having your eyes wide open means not ignoring that "elephant in the room" but instead working together to see your marriage grow and get healthier and become more enjoyable.
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