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Writer's pictureDave Polus

Necessary Separation

While Amy & I are not fans of divorce or relational schisms, there is one separation that is actually necessary for marriage to be lasting, enjoyable & fruitful. Jesus said, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife...". What does this mean? Part of this statement is actually a roadmap and counsel for how a husband and wife can live happily together. But it is never a sanction for separating or divorcing your spouse - it is to actually prioritize your marriage above every other relationship except your relationship with God.


I was spending time with a wonderful Christian counselor a few months ago and we were discussing this issue of a man leaving his father and mother. In order to establish a new non-familial relationship of marriage, a man has to be free of his previous authority figures, relational commitments and emotional ties. If a man is to have the capacity to unite with his wife and love her unconditionally and completely, he must leave the conventional father/mother relationship as his top priority and make his spouse the new top priority.


He went on to explain that whenever he counsels couples in crises, there is a problem with one or both spouses not being able to "leave" their family of origin and fully unite or "cleave" to their spouse - without exception. It might be an inability to leave emotionally, authoritatively, geographically, financially, the family business, or any other number of ways, but the result is always the same - a lack of unity and oneness in the marriage. Amy & I have seen couples painfully crippled by the imposing persona of a controlling mother-in-law, an invasive dad, or a manipulative grandparent.


Also, men tend to get much of their identity from their family of origin, which can interfere with their new identity as a husband to their wife. I know that this was the case for me personally. It was liberating when I began to see myself primarily as a husband and father more than a son or nephew to my family of origin.


So do yourself a favor and fully follow Jesus' counsel - put your spouse first and don't allow anything or anyone to cause separation in your marriage - not even a member of your family of origin. Remember, what God has joined together (in marriage), let no one split apart, not even a well meaning relative! Below is a link to a good article about this:

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/preparing-for-marriage/marriage-means-leaving-home-and-cleaving-to-each-other






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