Over the years we have had many couples come to us for marriage counseling. Many times they are at the place of desperation and can't seem to see a way out of the maze of hurt feelings and unfulfilled expectations. As Dave and I listen to them share their frustrations, we know deep down that in order for their marriage to grow strong and durable, there needs to be a few things in place. Before we take time to help each couple navigate through the quagmire of their marital issues, we want to make sure they have the support necessary to sustain what we are counseling them. All the marriage counsel in the world will not last long if we don't ask them to be committed to three things.
Three things we ask couples before we do marriage counseling:
1) Are you vitally connected to a local church? Are you regularly attending a local brick and mortar church- listening online or to podcasts don't count. This means serving together in your church and becoming participating members. The goal here is a real faith and deep connections.
2) Do you have a couple who is mentoring you in your marriage? Not just any couple, but a couple who has wise, biblical counsel and has demonstrated covenant marriage over time. It could be your parents, your in-laws, a relative, or someone in your church. You need others to help you grow a beautiful and durable marriage. You can't do it alone. You need someone you can be honest with. Someone who can ask you the hard questions and encourage you how to love your spouse. We understand this principle of mentoring in every other area in life. Whether it's learning a trade, a sport, or our education, we know that successful people have mentors.
3) Are you both in a small group to help you to continue to grow in your faith? It's easy to blend into the crowd. To slip out the back of a service. But when you are in a small group you find close friends, learn to study the Bible, and live out what you are being taught in your local church.
Dave and I see it as having roots that are healthy enough and deep enough for the counsel to bear fruit. Without these three vital connections, it's like planting a seed on rocky soil, and because there is no root, the seed withers away when the heat comes. We can plant the seed of wise counsel on how to have healthy communication, how to love sacrificially, and how to meet the needs of your spouse emotionally, sexually etc. But if you are not deeply rooted as a couple, when trouble comes, the counsel doesn't take root and grow. All the advice eventually withers away. But when you are vitally connected to a local church, being mentored by another couple, and in a small group studying and growing in your faith, your marriage has the right kind of soil to produce good fruit. Ask yourself those three questions and take the steps necessary to see your marriage grow strong.
Truth to Ponder: The seed on the rocky soil represents those who hear the message and immediately receive it with joy. But since they don't have deep roots, they don't last long. They fall away as soon as they have problems. Matthew 13:20-21 NLT
Discuss Together: 1) Are you vitally connected to a local church? 2) Do you have a couple who is mentoring you in your marriage? 3) Are you both in a small group to help you continue to grow in your faith? Discuss as a couple why these three are important for your marriage. What steps can you take to ensure as a couple you are committed to all three to help your marriage grow strong.
Try this: Find a couple in your church you admire and ask them out to dinner this month. (Offer to pay the bill)
Ask them: How have you survived the tests and trials in your marriage? What has been the best you advice you have received early on in your marriage?
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